Berry Mad

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A few stories (dates unknown)

Berry's Big Adventure

een kinda poos for the last few days. On Friday night, my head gasket blew at the same time a cop was writing me a ticket for driving on my learner's license. On Saturday night I simply slept. Come Monday morning, the beginning of what was going to be a big adventure! I just didn't know it yet.

It started with a phone call to Cheap Cabs to get a ride to work. One hour later I was cancelling my taxi and ringing work to let them know I would be late. I made the big hike up to the main ride to catch a fucking c**t arse filthy bus for communists, arriving just in time to miss it. Not wanting to wait for another 40 minutes, I took a taxi from the stand.Arrived at work one hour late and had some McDonald's to cheer myself up (whatever...I love McDonald's). Things at work were their usual dreary Price Integrity way until 10:30 when I realised I didn't have my phone in my pocket. Remembering that the last time I used it was in the taxi, I tried ringing it but got no reply. At least it still rang!!!

A phone call to Discount Taxis only told me that their policy, in I don't care tone, was to hand all lost property into the police station. Like a fool, I actually bothered going to the police station to enquire after my phone, but to no avail. Pointlessly filled in the lost property form and went back to work, dejected. The only hope left was to continue ringing the phone every now and then while at work. On the fifth attempt, I actually got an answer! Turns out the taxi was in a workshop in Papatoetoe and one of the mechanics had heard the phone ringing! I was ecstatic, aside from the huge distance. Fortunately my boss's boss isn't a bitch so she let me leave work early to hunt down my phone.

Now, you may remember that my car is currently unoperational. This meant a trip on the crappy vagina-smelling bus. In fact, two trips on two separate crappy vagina-smelling buses!!! Oh well. Teeth gritted, I boarded the only thing that keeps Jeanette Fitzsimmons' panties wet these days.

"We're at Otahuhu mate"
"Oh. Thanks driver."
Half asleep, a little unsteady and with hand gripping the carton cutter in my pocket, I alighted the penis-shaped conveyance and took in my bearings at the Otahuhu bus terminal. Just round the corner I spotted the Food for Less Supermarket. Clearly an independent job. As one of my lifetime ambitions is to own my own supermarket I was certainly intrigued and went for a look.

Well, it wouldn't be a Berry adventure without a supermarket!Hindi classics blared from a stereo chained down near the entrance, meaning I felt somewhat out of place and realised that I wasn't the target audience of this store. Undeterred, I had an explore. This place certainly was cheap and very supermarkety too! Remembering I had a backpack and was in Otahuhu I figured I should buy something so as to not look suspicious. My Eminem hoody kinda cancelled out my white skin. They had heaps of weird asian stuff among other things at a quarter of Foodtown prices so this seemed like an ideal time to try out some of this weird asian stuff I had always wanted to buy. With a bottle of E2 and a bag of Prawn chips in hand I went to the checkout (they had four of them, impressively). The service was quick, efficient and silent...despite my good manners.Now waiting for the bus from Otahuhu to Papatoetoe I tried some of the prawn chips. Disappojntingly, thy tasted like prawn. If I liked seafood, I'd be heterosexual. Turns out they also expired in March. So, if you're ever in Otahuhu DONT SHOP AT FOOD FOR LESS! Their slogan is "Need we say more?" Well yes..."Our food is expired!!!"

The bus trip to Papatoetoe passed without incident. I got my phone back no wories then had a little wander around Hunter's Corner. No 14 year old prostitutes but shitloads of $2 stores! This place is a mecca for random cheap crap. I'll be back to check it out again!

On the bus from Papatoetoe to Otahuhu some jerk was sitting in the back of the bus 'playing' a guitar. Once he finished his 'song' some other woman was gushing about how lovely it sounded. Then he babbled on about the cold snap. "We're gonna have frost tomorrow. The country will be covered in white!" Well Einstein, I was up at 6am and you were fucking wrong!

Once in Otahuhu I had to wait a further 30 minutes for the final bus of my journey. Amused myself playing mini golf on my phone and trying to ignore nearby G Units talking about who was a faggot and who was gonna get bashed. The final bus dropped me off 20 minutes from my home and I finally arrived at 6:30 in the evening. A mish of five hours.The moral of the story is, put those skills you've picked up through masturbation to use in the real world: Hold on to your phone!

Visiting the Supermarket

I had a hankering for some L&P and Cookies & Cream ice cream with whipped cream. Those are currently the items I make sure I always have in the house (hence my parents getting me tested for diabetes). Anyhoo, they weren't in the house so off I went to Countdown Lynfield to purchase them.

Everything was fine at first. Being late at night, there were no fucking old people in the way. There were no regular old people in the way either. I got my basket and headed off to the drinks aisle (Aisle 3). On my way up the aisle I realised one of my former work"mates" was there, did the obligatory sheeple thing ("hows it bro" "I'm fine") then got out of there and headed off to the Chilled Foods department.

The eggs are next to the Chilled Foods department. The egg lady (a female sales rep for the egg companies) was filling the eggs. As discussed in another thread, she's another one of those people I barely spoke to at work but I knew she would stop me to speak to me. I pulled my hoody up over my head and snuck past while her back was turned.

Now at the milk fridge, where whipped cream is kept the fucking data stripping had fallen off the shelf!!! This rendered obselete my usual strategy of choosing the cheapest cream!!!! There was no lite cream, which I usually buy to minimise pangs of guilt about sugar, so I settled for the regular whipped cream. I later discovered at home that regular whipped cream is fluffier than lite whipped cream.

The final part of my shopping experience takes me to the freezer, where the ice cream is kept. Scanning the top level of Tip Top (my favourite brand of cookies and cream ice cream)@L tubs, I couldn't see any cookies and cream. Digging through each pile of tubs I soon came to the realisation that not only did my fingers hurt but they were out of stock of cookuies and cream ice cream!!!! I left my basket in the freezer, heading toward the exit before thinking "I can't be fucked going to another store" and accepting I'd have to be satisfied with my second favourite....Jelly ripple.

Waiting in the checkout line I considered whether I'd complain knowing the futility of such and exercise before some gorgeous checkout boy pulled me off.... to his checkout. Dammit....he's too cute for me to be angry at him.So when I left I tipped the rubbish out of my car into the carpark.

I just went to make some crackers.I love crackers. They require a lot of fucking around to make, but it's worth it in the end. Crackers go especially well with a bottle of wine. Unfortunately, I'm too poor to buy any wine at the moment, but that doesn't stop me enjoying my crackers.So, I go to the fridge to grab my cracker ingredients:1 Tomato1 Stick of Danish Salami (mild, no garlic)3 different types of cheese (Edam, Creamy Blue, Camembert)I lay these ingedients out on the bench along with a knife and cutting board (for cutting the ingredients). Next, the most essential part of crackers....crackers.What the fuck?No crackers.There are NO CRACKERS in the CRACKER tin. What is the point of the cracker tin if there are no crackers in it? Now it just a fucking tin!!!!HOW AM I MEANT TO MAKE CRACKERS WHEN THERE ARE NO FUCKING CRACKERS!!!!!So I went to work and bought some. The staff laughed at my slippers while enquiring what I am doing back at work at 2 in the morning?So, I told them. "I was going to make crackers. I laid out all my ingredients, then looked in the cracker tin and there were no crackers!!!!!"I asked them (in a scottish accent, coz its more fun) "HOW THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO MAKE CRACKERS WITH NO FUCKING CRACKERS??????" None of them knew, so they agreed that it was probably best I had come back to work to buy crackers.Now I'm sitting at my computer eating my crackers. They are soooooooo delicious.YAY FOR CRACKERS!!!


Post a Comment

<< Home